Key Takeaways
- Dating customs in Old West towns were like their high society London and New York counterparts
- The couple was allowed to hold hands once the relationship became “serious”—but only if parents were present
- In the more lawless frontier territories, men advertised in eastern newspapers for “Mail-Order Brides”
Dating is not easy. Speed dating, matchmaking apps, themed gatherings—the awkward surprise set-up among well-meaning friends. It’s the stuff of every romance novel and rom-com movie. And that fairy tale romance? Even Cinderella had to lose a shoe, and Snow White had to be kissed out of a coma to find true love. It might be stressful, but today, there are choices.
Now, imagine life in a frontier town 140-plus years ago. There’s a close-knit community, where everyone knew, and looked out, for each other. One might think dating was simpler, but when it comes to matters of the heart, whatever the century … it’s complicated.
Date by the Rules
Though dating customs have changed dramatically over the decades, there have always been societal rules and rituals couples followed. Though looser than their counterparts in London and New York society, the frontier rules were fairly strict, and closely adhered to, lest the lovebirds cause a scandal, or worse, the reputation of the young lady become sullied.
Love at First Sight?
She catches his eye, laughing with her girlfriends at a barn dance. She happens to turn just in time to notice him looking at her. She smiles shyly, a subtle flirtation. He asks her to dance, and they do-si-do into a whirlwind romance, happily ever after.
Hold your horses, Romeo and Juliet, dating (or courting) didn’t just involve the two sweethearts. It involved family, friends, the entire community and required several specific steps before the happy couple marched down the aisle.
Permission to Court, Sir
It’s a scene out of just about every Jane Austen novel, only Old West style. An eligible young gentleman arrives, and every lady in the house is aflutter. It was customary for the man to ask permission from the father (or older brother, an uncle, if the father had passed, for example) to court the girl he fancied, and to clearly state his intentions to prove he was serious about a relationship that would lead to marriage if they were to fall in love and be compatible.
Once the official courtship began, the young lady was expected to stay faithful to only her suitor and not flirt with or court any other single men. This was not an engagement. It was more like “going steady” in the 1970s or 80s.
Date Night
It would be a scandal for the couple to be alone together in private, so going out on dates was a community event, or a chaperoned encounter.
Acceptable activities might include walking together in town or any place where others could keep a watchful eye—horseback riding, having a picnic, attending town events like festivals, dances, shows, or contests (with her father’s permission), reading or playing cards together, visiting the girl at her home (chaperoned, of course) or having meals with her family.
He might woo her with small gifts like flowers, or if she liked to read, a special book, or sweets, a satiny ribbon for her hair, or some other treasure she would personally enjoy.
One knew the relationship was serious when the lovebirds got permission to sit together in church. With everything on track, the couple was also then allowed to hold hands—but only if the girl’s mother or father was present. Only when the couple was officially engaged were they permitted to steal a sweet goodnight kiss after a date.
You’ve Got Mail
The road to exchanging vows before a minister wasn’t always prim and proper. In the rougher, often lawless parts of the frontier, men far outnumbered women, and marriage (forget dating!) was a practical necessity, whether for companionship, to put down roots raising a family, or just to have someone to work alongside them. The men advertised in eastern newspapers for mail-order brides, and women responded.
Some sought adventure, others wanted to escape difficult circumstances at home, or wanted a fresh start after a scandal. And some women, getting on in years (in their 20s!), feared becoming “old maids,” and this was their last chance to marry. Often, these unions worked out, and what started as a mutual convenience blossomed into love, family, and a life shared together that helped build America’s West.
Want more romance? We've got you covered with some historical couples.
Famous (and Infamous) Wild West Couples
Annie Oakley and Frank Butler
Calamity Jane and Wild Bill Hickok
Wyatt Earp and Josephine “Sadie” Marcus
Laura Ingalls and Almanzo Wilder
Outlaws in Life and Love
Big Nose Kate and Doc Holliday
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About the Author
Native New Yorker, Darlene Cah is a writer, actor/improvisor, and digital content specialist based in North Carolina. Her short stories have appeared in Smokelong Quarterly, Red Earth Review, Have a NYC (Anthology), Referential Magazine, and other journals. Fiction awards include Soul-Making Keats Literary Competition, Emrys Fiction Prize, Semifinalist ScreenCraft Cinematic Short Story Contest, and more. Advertising awards include Finalist Media Post Awards for email, Honorable Mention Clios, One Shows, and Andys (print). When not writing for INSP, you’ll find her on stage, backstage, or coaching improv for Shakespeare & Friends Theater Company. And, of course, playing fetch with her dog.
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